Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
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[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Received some very disappointing news today
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan