Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
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my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
I have no passwords left in me
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.