I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
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*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment