hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
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If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!