Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
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For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
never deleting this app.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Hitlers gonna hitl
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!