My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
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TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.