If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
You Might Also Like
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me: