My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
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Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Peter Parker Peter Driver