I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
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I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Worth the read.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.