The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
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I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.