ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
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I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Need WebMD
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound: