“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
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A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Had to try this trend 😊
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
‘I know a black person’
– White people
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.