Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
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[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE