*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
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“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas