Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
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It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Does it…does it take 3 days
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.