The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
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[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.