Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
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Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.