The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
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“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
bout dat hot dog summer
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops