The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
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I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
one last job
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.