Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
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Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
my mom making me talk to relatives
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.