Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
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So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
This meal prepping shit is easy
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Seems kinda suspicious
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Oh, I bet you would be
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Current mood: Potato
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
tinder profile where the fish is holding me