A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
You Might Also Like
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Yes
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.