A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
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Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.