Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
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The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Does beer think about me too?
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides