asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
You Might Also Like
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.