[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
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This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*