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Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
United Steaks of America
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.