I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
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I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
…u ok Nintendo?
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.