I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
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Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes