Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
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Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids