Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
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NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
lol
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?