Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
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media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story