Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
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Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.