The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
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The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner