[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
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If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Me recordaron éste meme
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.