“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
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[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Oh boy, $150,000!
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
#CatsOnTwitter
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.