My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
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They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.