“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
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Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.