Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
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I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
subtitles are so good nowadays
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
thanks auntie mary
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Choose your fighter
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!