I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
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If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT