The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
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Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*