You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
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Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.