Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
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My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
i dont have time for this
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them