“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
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MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Potatoes were such a good idea
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme