Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
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My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”