I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
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Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.