You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
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Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
accurate
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day