My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
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the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Yoga Matt
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Sign of the day..