“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
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Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
I have two kinds of followers
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.