kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
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*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
What a chick magnet..
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
a public service announcement
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”